Lessons Learned From Episode One of “Hoarders”
Hoarders is on Mondays after Intervention on A&E.
1. The worst thing you can hoard is food. Inclusive in this category: pumpkins and gourds.
2. If you are a hoarder and you have cats, your condition is one million zillion times worse than if you did not have cats.
3. If there is fly paper hanging from your ceiling, someone will vomit in your kitchen or on your porch. It’s not just the fly paper. It’s what the fly paper implies.
4. If you eat all of your meals in bed, with your family, you should stop doing that now and never do it again.
5. The mark of food that has gone bad is that:
a) it is weeks, months, or years past its expiration date,
b) it looks like the litter hermit crabs live in during their stay in preschools,
c) the cameraman zooms his lens into your vegetable drawer and you know that the footage will be looped with the music from Requiem For A Dream.
6. Stop assigning sentimental value to:
a) 2 x 4 planks,
b) the daily newspaper,
c) carrots, eggs, bicycles,
d) your sneakers,
e) bills,
f) acetaminophen tablets.
